i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
