The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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