I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
