maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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