we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
