Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
