I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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