This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize