I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
