I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
