I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
