You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
