You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
