So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
