Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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