We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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