My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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