On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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