also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
