I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
