Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
