it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
