I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
