im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
