I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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