I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
