He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
