I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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