First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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