i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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