Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
