I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
