when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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