I wish life had little blips of pornography
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
