Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
