I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
