But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
