I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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