We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
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She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
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So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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