So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
