WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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