I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Is it because I queefed?
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The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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