Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
