I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
