I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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