he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
