I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
