i just wanna soil my oats bro
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
