That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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