Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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