You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
