What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
