I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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