I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
