The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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