I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
